CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
...It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again!
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Jokes
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A guy comes home completely drunk
one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his
scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his
scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
We live in Perth Australia, and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a Burka for week just to see what the reaction would be.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.
Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little brat kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !
Can you spare just $5.00?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia.
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye.
Each day he has to ride 7 miles to School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video.....it's hilarious.
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick."
The parrot isn't yours is it?
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.
I'm rather worried now that some of my mates could be black.
If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, 'Where do women mostly have curly hair'?
Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in Cells.
It appears that Aboriginals and their cousins is not the correct answer.
My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.
Problem was she isn't interested in Snooker and Darts.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Bondi, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about paedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.
Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little brat kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !
Can you spare just $5.00?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia.
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye.
Each day he has to ride 7 miles to School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video.....it's hilarious.
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick."
The parrot isn't yours is it?
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.
I'm rather worried now that some of my mates could be black.
If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, 'Where do women mostly have curly hair'?
Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in Cells.
It appears that Aboriginals and their cousins is not the correct answer.
My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.
Problem was she isn't interested in Snooker and Darts.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Bondi, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about paedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks
the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the
wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want
to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the
priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean
to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you and
Paddy were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York ..
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood
on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it
not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he
had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say
I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye
callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord!
He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with
the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on
her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What
did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken.'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes
to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find
a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both
his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across
the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't
you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror Paddy.
the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the
wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want
to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the
priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean
to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you and
Paddy were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York ..
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood
on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it
not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he
had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say
I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye
callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord!
He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with
the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on
her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What
did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken.'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes
to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find
a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both
his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across
the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't
you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror Paddy.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Boarding planes in Israel...
...What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!!
It's hard to beat Israeli technology!
TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!"
BRILLIANT
...What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!!
It's hard to beat Israeli technology!
TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!"
BRILLIANT
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have
weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked
Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da
Money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her
to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
Inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked
Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da
Money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her
to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
Inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Hello, You have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Don. How can I help you?"
"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, still crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, still crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A sweet innocent Catholic girl is about to be married and is worried, so she visits the Priest.
"Father, I know nothing about the anatomy of a man and I need your help."
"What is that thing hanging between his legs called"? she asks.
"That my child is his penis" replies the priest.
"And what are those two hairy round things that are about eighteen inches back from the tip of the penis called Father"?
The Priest answers:
"Well, for your sake, my child, I hope that they are the cheeks of his arse..."
"Father, I know nothing about the anatomy of a man and I need your help."
"What is that thing hanging between his legs called"? she asks.
"That my child is his penis" replies the priest.
"And what are those two hairy round things that are about eighteen inches back from the tip of the penis called Father"?
The Priest answers:
"Well, for your sake, my child, I hope that they are the cheeks of his arse..."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
Give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
Give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A retired elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's Day."
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's Day."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
VERNON'S FUNERAL
Vernon works hard at the Bell Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league..."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says..."Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM
Vernon works hard at the Bell Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league..."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says..."Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.