Jokes

[nugget]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

[nugget]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[nugget]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in London when he sees a little
girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain
the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the
girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the
Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, Why,
it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm
a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on
the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political
affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a Royal Marine, and a Conservative." The
journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

ROYAL MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!!!

..... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[nugget]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."


The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!


He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[nugget]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in?
We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.

[nugget]

Why Parents Drink




A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can Get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[nugget]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building
improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he
should never have gone down there!
You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!

"Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[nugget]

*SMART ASS** {DONKEY}*

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing.he would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
stopping ,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Enough of that crap. . .The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..

*MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:*
*When you do something wrong,**and try to cover your ass,**it always comes back to bite you*.

[nugget]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will, 'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No'; said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[nugget]

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of
lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop
his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies:
'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[nugget]

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and
at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The
Russians used a pencil.

[nugget]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you
are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you
will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine
and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you"

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone.

And Last, but not least.... The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[nugget]

10 reasons why a gun is better than a woman.

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun, and tell him so, he'll let you try it out
a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR THE GUN.

[nugget]

A man walks into a chemist shop with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the*
*Boy asks, *'*What are these, Dad?' *
*To which the man matter-of-factly replies, *

*'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''*

*Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class
at school.' *
*He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, **'Why
are there 3 in this package?' *
*The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday. *

*'Cool' says the boy. *
*He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' *

*Those are for college men,' the dad answers,*
*'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'*

*'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, **'then who uses THESE?' *
*He asks, picking up a 12 Pack.*

*With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,*

*'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March........'*

[nugget]

I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my will, and I called out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!

"She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B*****D!