The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf..
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
(Okay, get ready . . .)
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Jokes
True Story
A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached
his assistant. 'Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close
the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me
patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So,
Seamus, how was your day?'
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,'says
Seamus.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'asks the
doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and
shouts:'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'
'Thundering' Lard, Seamus, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes!'
A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached
his assistant. 'Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close
the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me
patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So,
Seamus, how was your day?'
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,'says
Seamus.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'asks the
doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and
shouts:'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'
'Thundering' Lard, Seamus, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes!'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Stay Off Your Bicycle
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The story of my life
She's single and she lives right across the street. I can
see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up
my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just
got home and I have this strong urge to have a good time,
dance, get drunk, and make love tonight! Are you doing
anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great! Could you look after my dog for
me??"
Being a senior citizen really sucks sometimes!
She's single and she lives right across the street. I can
see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up
my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just
got home and I have this strong urge to have a good time,
dance, get drunk, and make love tonight! Are you doing
anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great! Could you look after my dog for
me??"
Being a senior citizen really sucks sometimes!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Friday in Hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
Demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said.
'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great..'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued.. 'I bet you like to gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . .. .......'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
Demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said.
'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great..'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued.. 'I bet you like to gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . .. .......'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I
stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the year?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I
stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the year?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat...
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people!
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast .
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The Sarge says,"I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The Sarge says,"I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
-
oldskoolexup
- Motormouth
- Posts: 1219
- Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:45 am
- Location: THE place...some are born here, some drawn here...Manchester
.................and the jokes just keep coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!My current favourite is "give him a quid"!
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone,
Learn from the mistakes of others.............................
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself
&
Carpe Diem - seize the moment. Don't dream... Do!
Learn from the mistakes of others.............................
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself
&
Carpe Diem - seize the moment. Don't dream... Do!
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Good mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Husband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer husband..'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving husband doing?'
She replied, HE's gone to Rome
To blow out yer feckin' candle.
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Good mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Husband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer husband..'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving husband doing?'
She replied, HE's gone to Rome
To blow out yer feckin' candle.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Colonoscopy
All the organs of the
body were having a meeting
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all
the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate
oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"Because I process
food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge, "said the legs," because I carry the
body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge,"said the eyes," Because I allow the
body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum," Because I'm
responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work..
The ass hole is usually in charge
All the organs of the
body were having a meeting
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all
the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate
oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"Because I process
food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge, "said the legs," because I carry the
body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge,"said the eyes," Because I allow the
body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum," Because I'm
responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work..
The ass hole is usually in charge
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scotsman willingly donated
his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving
his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black
Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a
thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now."
the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scotsman willingly donated
his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving
his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black
Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a
thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
MY FRIEND HAS TWO TICKETS FOR THE FINAL OF EURO 2016 BUT HE'S
GETTING MARRIED ON THAT DAY AND CANNOT ATTEND.
IF ANYONE WANTS TO GO INSTEAD OF HIM....... ITS AT ST ANDREWS CHURCH,
BRIGHTON AND THE BRIDES NAME IS SARAH!
GETTING MARRIED ON THAT DAY AND CANNOT ATTEND.
IF ANYONE WANTS TO GO INSTEAD OF HIM....... ITS AT ST ANDREWS CHURCH,
BRIGHTON AND THE BRIDES NAME IS SARAH!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked
the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me?
Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will
not tell a lie.'.
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will
question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use
on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!
the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me?
Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will
not tell a lie.'.
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will
question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use
on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.