An 18 years old female could not get a job so she decided to become a prostitute. She lived with her a grandmother but dare not tell her and made up a story about having a job.
One day the police raided the brothel where she was working and made all the girls stand outside on the pavement so that they could be interviewed and information gathered from them. Suddenly her grandmother appeared, admired her appearance and asked her what she was doing with all the other attractive girls.
She told her that the police were giving away oranges. She replied that was very nice of them. Then a police woman said " Now then grandma been doing this long?"
She replied " Many years love . I used to line six up at a time, expose their flesh, take my teeth out and suck everyone dry".
Jokes
-
nismo
- More Rabbit Than Sainsbury's
- Posts: 4653
- Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2006 7:57 pm
- Location: M6 normally
A very sad day today. After serval years of medical training and a lot of very hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one very minor indescretion - he slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in that profession. What a waste of all of that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.
Defected for that V Twin goodness
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No" !
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted women and
hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and
Captain Morgans and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and golf clubs
and ate spam and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and
all his friends and family thought he was cool and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
The Princess said, "No" !
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted women and
hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and
Captain Morgans and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and golf clubs
and ate spam and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and
all his friends and family thought he was cool and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
This came from a U.S. soldier's wife. It says it all:
"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every one of them missed the crazy bas---d ...!
How long before someone does a Kennedy on him?"
"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every one of them missed the crazy bas---d ...!
How long before someone does a Kennedy on him?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another man carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and asks, "What's going on?"
The old man says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum,
She keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer asks, "What about the man with... the buckets of sand?"
The old man says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
One of the golfers grabs the old man and asks, "What's going on?"
The old man says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum,
She keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer asks, "What about the man with... the buckets of sand?"
The old man says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate,
but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....
'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great,
but all the duck would say was.....
(scroll down)
NO, The duck didn't say THAT
... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate,
but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....
'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great,
but all the duck would say was.....
(scroll down)
NO, The duck didn't say THAT
... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's." ''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the 2 men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered " Get in Line"
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's." ''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the 2 men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered " Get in Line"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition
held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a
standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right
one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a
standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right
one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
For all those men who say.
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig,
just to get a little sausage....
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig,
just to get a little sausage....
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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Yoda
- More Rabbit Than Sainsbury's
- Posts: 7272
- Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 7:37 pm
- Location: Nail the fekker lad, dunna be frightened
> THE PHONE CALL
> A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and feels a bit lonely.
>
> In a bit he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone
>
> booths when you're calling for a cab.
> He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl >
> calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
>
> She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
> wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ... you know the kind!
> He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
> When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
> 'Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).
>
> 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
> room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll
> doit.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of
> tricks.
> We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me
> in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?'
>
> She says, 'That sounds fantastic,
but for an outside line you need to
>
> press 9.'
> A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and feels a bit lonely.
>
> In a bit he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone
>
> booths when you're calling for a cab.
> He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl >
> calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
>
> She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
> wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ... you know the kind!
> He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
> When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
> 'Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).
>
> 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
> room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll
> doit.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of
> tricks.
> We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me
> in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?'
>
> She says, 'That sounds fantastic,
but for an outside line you need to
>
> press 9.'
Aussie Humour
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a
wasp and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a
wasp and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello !'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
"VOTE FOR CORBYN "
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God!
....At least Dopey is still alive !'
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello !'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
"VOTE FOR CORBYN "
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God!
....At least Dopey is still alive !'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Went to get car insurance & found that you can now get insurance for sex in the UK! It's important to make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability
Sex with an oap - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
and finally
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered!
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability
Sex with an oap - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
and finally
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
. . I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of de-canters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
" He replies: Get out, you idiot. . . . . . . . . . You're on my side ! "
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of de-canters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
" He replies: Get out, you idiot. . . . . . . . . . You're on my side ! "
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.