Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the
stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their
own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner.
Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and
put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.'
Jokes
A woman in a supermarket is following a
grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full
with the child screaming
for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the granddad
calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and
we'll be out of here. Hangin there, boy."
At the checkout the little
horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again
in a controlled voice : "William,William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll
be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she
goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and
the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but
you were amazing in there I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
just calmly kept
saying things would be okay. William is very
lucky to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," says the grandpa.
"But I am William. The
little bastard's name is Kevin."
grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full
with the child screaming
for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the granddad
calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and
we'll be out of here. Hangin there, boy."
At the checkout the little
horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again
in a controlled voice : "William,William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll
be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she
goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and
the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but
you were amazing in there I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
just calmly kept
saying things would be okay. William is very
lucky to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," says the grandpa.
"But I am William. The
little bastard's name is Kevin."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Muslim Tribute Band
I went to see a Muslim Tribute Band last night at a Mosque in Leeds
They were called "Bomb Jovi".
I thought they were brilliant.
Songs like "Losing My Head Over You", "Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, You're Beautiful and You're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
........ those bastards have no sense of humour!
I went to see a Muslim Tribute Band last night at a Mosque in Leeds
They were called "Bomb Jovi".
I thought they were brilliant.
Songs like "Losing My Head Over You", "Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, You're Beautiful and You're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
........ those bastards have no sense of humour!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The Kiwi bartender says, 'A tixidermist?
What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi...........I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and yells, 'He's okay boys. He's one of us!'
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The Kiwi bartender says, 'A tixidermist?
What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi...........I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and yells, 'He's okay boys. He's one of us!'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Paddy the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, "I have an 8 inch cock and can shag all night."
After a few beers, a woman takes paddy home with her.
The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch cock and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch cock and you lasted only 3 minutes."
Paddy replies, "I'm a builder love. It was only a fucking estimate":
After a few beers, a woman takes paddy home with her.
The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch cock and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch cock and you lasted only 3 minutes."
Paddy replies, "I'm a builder love. It was only a fucking estimate":
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have
two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!
with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have
two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and
looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in 50 cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and
looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in 50 cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?".
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move".
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?".
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie".
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?".
St Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling
us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life".
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?", asked the man.
St Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan".
clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?".
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move".
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?".
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie".
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?".
St Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling
us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life".
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?", asked the man.
St Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan".
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An old gentleman lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work,
as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
WHAT A SON !!!!
as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
WHAT A SON !!!!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Irish Mirror
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story"
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story"
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.