Jokes
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don"t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A Little EU Humour...
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Pee Test for males
This will save a ton of money.. No need to go to a specialist.
A simplified Do-It-Yourself urine test that may be relevant:
Go outside and pee in the yard. If ants gather, it's diabetes.
If you pee all over your feet, it's prostate issues.
If it smells like a barbecue, it's cholesterol.
If when you shake it, and your wrist hurts, it's osteoarthritis.
If you go back into the house, and it's still dangling out of your pants, it's probably Alzheimer's
This will save a ton of money.. No need to go to a specialist.
A simplified Do-It-Yourself urine test that may be relevant:
Go outside and pee in the yard. If ants gather, it's diabetes.
If you pee all over your feet, it's prostate issues.
If it smells like a barbecue, it's cholesterol.
If when you shake it, and your wrist hurts, it's osteoarthritis.
If you go back into the house, and it's still dangling out of your pants, it's probably Alzheimer's
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have Sex three times a Night..?!?!?
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued..??
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean darlin , if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'...???
"Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to Bed and had an hour of mad passionate Sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good",
"Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my Balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand'..??
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better Sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.
But if you let me shleep for a Full Hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have too"..
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer Bat 'n Balls again. No problem Hun'. says Cilla.
So, Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer Balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much"..???
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
*
"It's joosth the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch Stole ma Wallet"..
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued..??
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean darlin , if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'...???
"Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to Bed and had an hour of mad passionate Sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good",
"Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my Balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand'..??
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better Sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.
But if you let me shleep for a Full Hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have too"..
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer Bat 'n Balls again. No problem Hun'. says Cilla.
So, Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer Balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much"..???
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
*
"It's joosth the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch Stole ma Wallet"..
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.
Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top o the mornin to yer sir!"
Tiger nods & bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
"What are those?" asks Paddy.
"They're called tees. They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving."
"Fuck me" says paddy "BMW think of everything!"
Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top o the mornin to yer sir!"
Tiger nods & bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
"What are those?" asks Paddy.
"They're called tees. They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving."
"Fuck me" says paddy "BMW think of everything!"
AKA Bald headed b'stard
-
Teego
- More Rabbit Than Sainsbury's
- Posts: 2518
- Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:48 am
- Location: On the road again. Distance is the drug.
Paddy is pulled over by Plod on the M25.
"Do you know why I stopped you, sir?"
"Nosorr, I doo not."
"You were travelling in excess of the limit."
"Nosorr, I'd nuttin to trink alday."
"The speed limit, not the alcohol limit."
"Right, so I can go now?"
"No. I am charging you with driving at 100mph on a 70mph road. Do you have anything to say? Why were you driving so fast?"
"Wellsorr, dis little light came on and de missus started shoutin at me. Said we were runnin out o' petrol and we would be hit by a huge truck and die."
"How does that explain your speed?"
"Wellsorr, Oi had to get to the fillin station before I ran out. And with dis delay you've put on me Oi don't tink oi'll make it. now"
"Do you know why I stopped you, sir?"
"Nosorr, I doo not."
"You were travelling in excess of the limit."
"Nosorr, I'd nuttin to trink alday."
"The speed limit, not the alcohol limit."
"Right, so I can go now?"
"No. I am charging you with driving at 100mph on a 70mph road. Do you have anything to say? Why were you driving so fast?"
"Wellsorr, dis little light came on and de missus started shoutin at me. Said we were runnin out o' petrol and we would be hit by a huge truck and die."
"How does that explain your speed?"
"Wellsorr, Oi had to get to the fillin station before I ran out. And with dis delay you've put on me Oi don't tink oi'll make it. now"
Keep on keepin' on.