A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"
Jokes
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two-stroke-brit
- Pit Crew
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2018 4:39 pm
- Location: TEXAS USA
two women in heaven
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A guy walked into a crowded bar,
waving his unholstered pistol and
yelled, " I have a 45 calibre colt 1911
with a seven round magazine plus
one in the chamber and I want to
know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
" you need more ammo!"
waving his unholstered pistol and
yelled, " I have a 45 calibre colt 1911
with a seven round magazine plus
one in the chamber and I want to
know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
" you need more ammo!"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as Social Services wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Mansfield, Hull, Chesterfield, Bolton, Congleton, Coventry, Whitefield, Sleaford and anywhere in Wales.
enough, as Social Services wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Mansfield, Hull, Chesterfield, Bolton, Congleton, Coventry, Whitefield, Sleaford and anywhere in Wales.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Solicitor's Porsche
A London Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.
Five minutes later the police arrive.. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.
The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Solicitor looked down in horror.
"F***** hell !" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex ????"
A London Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.
Five minutes later the police arrive.. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.
The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Solicitor looked down in horror.
"F***** hell !" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex ????"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheeps a fucking liar bud!!"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheeps a fucking liar bud!!"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Don't worry about it boss it happens a lot with me too. We did some shopping at Tescos yesterday and they gave us one of those blue plastic coins which you can put in to a large cabinet in store. There were 3 options so I picked the one that could help us two out in the future. It was the Alzheimer's slot I picked. 
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."
A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't get your email."
"What happened?" she asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."
A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't get your email."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny"s bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.Little Johnny smiles, "It"s not so fucking funny when it"s YOUR mum, is it?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.