The Nail
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......
'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
Jokes
Watery eyes after sex
Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your
eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your
eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might
work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently, she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her
and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might
work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently, she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her
and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband
asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never saw the wine glass coming!
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband
asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never saw the wine glass coming!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a champagne.'
After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There
were some laughs and more champagnes.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told her friends they
were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed
with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a champagne.'
After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There
were some laughs and more champagnes.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told her friends they
were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed
with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An old physician, Doctor John Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.
It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.
Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.
The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."
It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.
Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.
The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Butch the Rooster
Sarah was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
Sarah was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Married 50 years!
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now we have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain !"
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now we have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain !"
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Where is Confucius when we need him, eh?
If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is a comic whose mind sees things differently than most of us do.....
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
8- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
11 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
12 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
13 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
17 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
18- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
21- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
25 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
27 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
28- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
29- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is a comic whose mind sees things differently than most of us do.....
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
8- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
11 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
12 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
13 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
17 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
18- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
21- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
25 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
27 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
28- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
29- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the door knob so the kids can't get in."
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the door knob so the kids can't get in."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.