A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
Jokes
HOW TO MAKE A CHRISTMAS CAKE...
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is still OK.
Try another cup .... just in case
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the
oven. Place the smixture into a sorcerpan - thats like a phlyingpan
with higher sidesss - turn the sorcerpan 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the cat and kick the vodka.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is still OK.
Try another cup .... just in case
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the
oven. Place the smixture into a sorcerpan - thats like a phlyingpan
with higher sidesss - turn the sorcerpan 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the cat and kick the vodka.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For F---s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time,--CHICKEN!'
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For F---s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time,--CHICKEN!'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Asian guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Jiu-Jitsu?"
He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?
"No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
I asked him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Jiu-Jitsu?"
He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?
"No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A large woman,wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man
here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business and none of mine if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has just got to
be a ballerina! '
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man
here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business and none of mine if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has just got to
be a ballerina! '
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and th
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in
desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was
heard for over a minute
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may
have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and th
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in
desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was
heard for over a minute
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may
have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the beautiful Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh".
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable.
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"What she actually said was: 666136429
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh".
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable.
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"What she actually said was: 666136429
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked her
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Vacaville Senior Center and hang out with the local folks.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a "Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and I e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and said, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said,
"I really don't know what to do" I said.
"You see I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked her
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Vacaville Senior Center and hang out with the local folks.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a "Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and I e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and said, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said,
"I really don't know what to do" I said.
"You see I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
I spoke to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended
up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was also working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical and dental coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."
up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was also working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical and dental coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
Approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir
' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him
Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion�� and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo You're good at this and what about the third one? 'Asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does.
Like bolt outta ? the Blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her
Bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs
And shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick
For five years I have not seen any man''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
Approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir
' answers Murphy.The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him
Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion�� and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo
You're good at this and what about the third one? 'Asks the doctor.'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does.
Like bolt outta ? the Blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her
Bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs
And shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick
For five years I have not seen any man
'''Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
