THE PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE:
I here by request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. P. Niss.
Response:
After considering your request and the arguments raised we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.
Yours sincerely,
Ms. V. Gina
Jokes
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roadrunner
- Factory Rider
- Posts: 399
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:18 pm
- Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Go d said, "Adam, I want you to do
something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river.."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that o him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.. Then, God said, 'I want you
to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that toAdam, as
well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river.."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that o him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.. Then, God said, 'I want you
to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that toAdam, as
well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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roadrunner
- Factory Rider
- Posts: 399
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:18 pm
- Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
Yes John, It could only happen in Hull, 2017 City of Culture 
A couple of years or so ago, when Hull had just won the City of Culture nomination, I was in the city centre with a friend of mine trying to buy a map for a pending ride into Normandy, France, when we saw a couple of young "ladies" obviously the worse for wear having an altercation with each other across one of the busiest road junctions in the city. They were having a right go at each other, when one of them shouted at the other at the top of her voice "you cooking count", well that's what it sounded like anyway:D My mate said "you can see why we won the City of Culture nomination can't you". We returned a bit later with our map just in time to see 'em both being loaded into the back of a police van.
It was so embarrassing, but at the same time so funny
A couple of years or so ago, when Hull had just won the City of Culture nomination, I was in the city centre with a friend of mine trying to buy a map for a pending ride into Normandy, France, when we saw a couple of young "ladies" obviously the worse for wear having an altercation with each other across one of the busiest road junctions in the city. They were having a right go at each other, when one of them shouted at the other at the top of her voice "you cooking count", well that's what it sounded like anyway:D My mate said "you can see why we won the City of Culture nomination can't you". We returned a bit later with our map just in time to see 'em both being loaded into the back of a police van.
It was so embarrassing, but at the same time so funny
With age comes wisdom.......and senility!!! Who are you again?
Dear Sir,
I have a Benefit Question :
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed
THE ANSWER:
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK
Welcome!
Jeremy Corbyn
I have a Benefit Question :
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed
THE ANSWER:
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK
Welcome!
Jeremy Corbyn
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
How to get into Heaven from Scotland
...
I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of 'getting into H eaven'.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered
.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was a resounding "No!"
By now I was starting to smile
.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered "No!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be f*****n' dead"
Kinda brings a wee tear tae your eye...
...
I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of 'getting into H eaven'.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered
.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was a resounding "No!"
By now I was starting to smile
.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered "No!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be f*****n' dead"
Kinda brings a wee tear tae your eye...
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me
to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My colleague (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my colleague(the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me
to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My colleague (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my colleague(the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Teacher in the classroom asked the children if they did not have skin covering their bodies, what would they prefer .
A few children put up their hands including the horror of the class who she ignored.
"Right JANE what would you have?"
" Silver Miss. I could break a piece off and buy a new car.
" Excellent and who is next?
Still ignoring the boy "OK Kate what would you have? "
" Gold Miss. It is more expensive than Silver and I would break a piece off and buy two cars."
"That is wonderful thinking"
She then gave the horror of the class a chance believing that he would come up with something similar."
" I would have pubic hair Miss."
"Why would that be."
"Because my much older sister has thick black pubic hairs and she has lots of new cars parked outside her house everyday."
A few children put up their hands including the horror of the class who she ignored.
"Right JANE what would you have?"
" Silver Miss. I could break a piece off and buy a new car.
" Excellent and who is next?
Still ignoring the boy "OK Kate what would you have? "
" Gold Miss. It is more expensive than Silver and I would break a piece off and buy two cars."
"That is wonderful thinking"
She then gave the horror of the class a chance believing that he would come up with something similar."
" I would have pubic hair Miss."
"Why would that be."
"Because my much older sister has thick black pubic hairs and she has lots of new cars parked outside her house everyday."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Gutted to hear that after seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor mistake. He simply fell in love and had sex with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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roadrunner
- Factory Rider
- Posts: 399
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:18 pm
- Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
nuggitt wrote:Gutted to hear that after seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor mistake. He simply fell in love and had sex with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Very good that John. Had me till the very last word 
With age comes wisdom.......and senility!!! Who are you again?
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had a major accident. (actually, a passenger death due to a plane accident) There have indeed been incidents)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had a major accident. (actually, a passenger death due to a plane accident) There have indeed been incidents)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
