A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to hospital
and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I
have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is
that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the
good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my
life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in water colours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, there is just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an
erection I also get a splitting headache."
Jokes
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using
a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle
with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men
enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for
some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the
people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight
for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams
fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The
passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all
retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that
the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle
with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men
enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for
some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the
people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight
for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams
fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The
passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all
retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that
the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain coming.
So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The King was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day !
So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The King was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day !
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled
over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in
and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't
think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but
Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By
the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled
over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in
and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't
think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but
Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By
the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?"
was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?"
was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Irish Car Accident
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and
Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now, wot da fock would you say?'
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and
Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now, wot da fock would you say?'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their
honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
>
>
>
>
>
>
Smallcox
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their
honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
>
>
>
>
>
>
Smallcox
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Who said that?
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person
to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is
the question'?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out,
'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture
to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was
Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time
offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday
studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing
Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..."
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person
to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is
the question'?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out,
'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture
to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was
Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time
offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday
studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing
Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach
me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was
rubbish - but th reception was brilliant.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
''Pint please, and one for the road.''
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for
wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple
things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'',
he said ''Not you again''.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was
rubbish - but th reception was brilliant.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
''Pint please, and one for the road.''
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for
wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple
things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'',
he said ''Not you again''.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that
won't quit,
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like,
sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then
answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her
composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie,
please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's
pronounced 'quiche'."
gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that
won't quit,
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like,
sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then
answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her
composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie,
please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's
pronounced 'quiche'."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18 .
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day,
about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just
give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted!!!!
On the card was written:
*Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce *
One night she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18 .
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day,
about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just
give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted!!!!
On the card was written:
*Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce *
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.