NURSING HOME POLICE
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and
getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her, and some males actually joined
in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for
that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and
held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very
sizeable erection..
"Oh, bloody hell," cried Ethel, "not 'the sodding breather liser
again!"
Jokes
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ... ?'
'How long must this go on .... ? This fighting between our nations ... ? This hatred ..... ? This animosity ... ? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes .... ?'
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ... ?'
'How long must this go on .... ? This fighting between our nations ... ? This hatred ..... ? This animosity ... ? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes .... ?'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Pinocchio was with his mate who asked him if having sex with his girlfriend was OK. Pinocchio told him that it wasn't very good because she was always complaining of having splinters in her Pussy. His mate advised him to get some sandpaper and rub it smooth.
They met up a few days later and his mate asked him if sex was now OK. Pinocchio said ' Who wants a girl friend with sandpaper like this'.
They met up a few days later and his mate asked him if sex was now OK. Pinocchio said ' Who wants a girl friend with sandpaper like this'.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Man went to the hospital and saw a nurse asking her to look at his privates. He dropped his trousers and his penis looked like an AAA battery and she struggled not to laugh.
She asked him what was wrong with it. He said " It's swollen ".
She asked him what was wrong with it. He said " It's swollen ".
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all
of a sudden he hears music
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from
a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van
Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a
friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony
is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has
gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the
group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation
for the music.
I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.*
"He's decomposing."*
of a sudden he hears music
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from
a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van
Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a
friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony
is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has
gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the
group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation
for the music.
I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.*
"He's decomposing."*
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
-
roadrunner
- Factory Rider
- Posts: 399
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:18 pm
- Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice
everyday. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the
Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can
think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases
them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement. Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather
shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he
asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Luiggi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather
shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you
wear white panties tonight'?
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luiggi, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes...
'How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no
panties tonight!'
'Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luiggi, I wear no panties
tonight...' Luiggi gasps, 'Thanka God...
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather
shoes......................!'
everyday. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the
Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can
think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases
them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement. Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather
shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he
asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Luiggi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather
shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you
wear white panties tonight'?
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luiggi, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes...
'How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no
panties tonight!'
'Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luiggi, I wear no panties
tonight...' Luiggi gasps, 'Thanka God...
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather
shoes......................!'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and
wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely
confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting
on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal
assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it
depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a
predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe
that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple
and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is
really about?'
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he
replied.
In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the
middle went home for lunch.
wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely
confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting
on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal
assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it
depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a
predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe
that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple
and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is
really about?'
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he
replied.
In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the
middle went home for lunch.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the
night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then
one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't
you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and
haunt you for the rest of your life.
(HERE IT COMES!!!)
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he
won't ask for directions."
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the
night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then
one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't
you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and
haunt you for the rest of your life.
(HERE IT COMES!!!)
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he
won't ask for directions."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard
that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of
the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his
carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance."
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that
ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him
shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on
the floor.
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself,
thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the
dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "
l believe, Your Holiness that you're looking for the word, 'aunt' "
"Of course!" the Pope declared, "Do you have an eraser?"
that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of
the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his
carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance."
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that
ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him
shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on
the floor.
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself,
thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the
dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "
l believe, Your Holiness that you're looking for the word, 'aunt' "
"Of course!" the Pope declared, "Do you have an eraser?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an arsehole!'
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an arsehole!'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.