Jokes

[nugget]

Mary is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon there after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[nugget]

Q: What do you call an endowed puppet? A: Well strung.

Q: What do you call an erection when listening to hymns? A: an organ boner

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: What did the O say to the Q? A: "Dude, your dick's hanging out."

[nugget]

A Grandpa's Story

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"

[nugget]

AN IRISHMAN IN AN ELEVATOR...



A skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this

HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman

staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350

pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"



The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy

kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's

wrong with you?"


In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"



The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give

you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...I'm 7 ft tall, I

weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each

and my name is Turner Brown"



The little white Irishman says:



"Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus... I thought you said, "Turn around!"

[nugget]

Sixteen Years and the butcher




It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager,
who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,
"I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat
home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on
her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I
have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years
and watch the expression on his face!"

[nugget]

On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian

Was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.

You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I am ME ! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Terribly sporting of your mother!"

[nugget]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[nugget]

THE MIRACLE OF A SHEET OF TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

[nugget]

Making a baby. ..
This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!

[nugget]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has
burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of
condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
from Mexico ....."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea Mr. Presidentm... The Mexicans will have a field day
with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million
condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll
continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the
first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of
condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
All coloured with Union flags with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

[Stig]

A proctologist wanted to become a heavy duty mechanic and for his final exam he got 150%. stunned and confused the doctor asked why he had exceeded 100% on his test. His teacher told him that he rebuilt engine was worth 100% and the bonus came from him doing it all through the tail pipe!

[nugget]

Fred, a lifelong white racist living in the Western End of Sydney is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....

........the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Muslim blood".

Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list."

[nugget]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[nugget]

...a man notices green lumps on his willy,
So he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious" says the doctor.
"You know how rugby players get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says the man seriously.
"Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts."

[nugget]

A Typical Irish Baby ... !!


An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He orders drinks for
everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical
Irish baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man
just shrugs, "That's
about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish
baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of that
typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's
been making' bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the
day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whiskey, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into
the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
God Bless the Irish ...