A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot...
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness...
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay... you will walk again and everything;
however, your manhood was severed in the accident and we could not find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on...
"You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the
technology to build you a new one. It will work great, but it won't come
cheap!'... it's roughly $1,000 an inch!"
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want, but... I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife... If your manhood was 5 inches in length
before and you get a nine inch one now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a
nine inch one before and you decide to only invest in a five inch one now, she
might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you
make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man."
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops!"
Jokes
A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it
out of the salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off
for the weekend.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years
ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
out of the salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off
for the weekend.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years
ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" .
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick "
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" .
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick "
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they
are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said-
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they
are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said-
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
-
undeadhairy
- Test Rider
- Posts: 325
- Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2013 3:10 pm
- Location: hull. east yorkshire
QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for
a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky
and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for
being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for
a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky
and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for
being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for ten years.
Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I was too embarrassed. I became a prostitute."
"Ye what? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
OK, Daddy, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mummy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club." She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become." says Daddy.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
An Irish daughter had not been home for ten years.
Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I was too embarrassed. I became a prostitute."
"Ye what? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
OK, Daddy, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mummy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club." She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become." says Daddy.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
"Testicle Therapy" Classic !
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one
hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a
photographer to get over there and
take pictures of the 100 year old twins.
One was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer
arrived he asked the sisters to sit at the table.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together,"said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up
close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit. I've got to focus," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big, toothless squeal of delight, the deaf twin shouted,
"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US? CAN I BE FIRST?"
hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a
photographer to get over there and
take pictures of the 100 year old twins.
One was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer
arrived he asked the sisters to sit at the table.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together,"said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up
close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit. I've got to focus," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big, toothless squeal of delight, the deaf twin shouted,
"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US? CAN I BE FIRST?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!!
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they
both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they
both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a
small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a
brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to
the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get
rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about
the beard then..........."
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a
small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a
brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to
the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get
rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about
the beard then..........."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
European Union Directive
No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase - "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 March 2015.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase - "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 March 2015.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.