A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
Jokes
Mobile
Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by
> turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
> converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
> *
>
> * The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
> did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.
> *
>
> * Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
> "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 22 and I'm
> 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
> *
>
> * My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
> class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
> better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
> *
>
> * The cost of living has now gotten so bad my wife is having sex with
> me because she can't afford batteries.
> *
>
> * A man called 911 and said "I think my wife is dead". The operator
> says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is the same, but the ironing
> is piling up."
> *
>
> * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
> contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our
> garden hose only reaches to the end of driveway .
> turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
> converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
> *
>
> * The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
> did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.
> *
>
> * Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
> "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 22 and I'm
> 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
> *
>
> * My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
> class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
> better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
> *
>
> * The cost of living has now gotten so bad my wife is having sex with
> me because she can't afford batteries.
> *
>
> * A man called 911 and said "I think my wife is dead". The operator
> says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is the same, but the ironing
> is piling up."
> *
>
> * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
> contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our
> garden hose only reaches to the end of driveway .
-
roadrunner
- Factory Rider
- Posts: 399
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:18 pm
- Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
Mr Smith went to the doctor who happened to be a lady.
She said to him during the course of her consultation "you are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Smith", to which he replied, "but why doctor?"
She replied "because I'm trying to examine you!"
She said to him during the course of her consultation "you are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Smith", to which he replied, "but why doctor?"
She replied "because I'm trying to examine you!"
With age comes wisdom.......and senility!!! Who are you again?
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'Chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'Djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'Babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
"Then tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you wearing all this shit in Bradford?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'Chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'Djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'Babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
"Then tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you wearing all this shit in Bradford?"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
-
roadrunner
- Factory Rider
- Posts: 399
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:18 pm
- Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Found these for the older generation.
How we are perceived!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and replied, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised ... .. . "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said . . . "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple", replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder, pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?", she asked.
"Sure", replied the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back", said one child.
"No", said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong . . . They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
How we are perceived!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and replied, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised ... .. . "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said . . . "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple", replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder, pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?", she asked.
"Sure", replied the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back", said one child.
"No", said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong . . . They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
THE STORK
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and
she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine
months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its
nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the
teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think youre getting
your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she
said it was from a shag in Scarborough........
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and
she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine
months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its
nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the
teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think youre getting
your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she
said it was from a shag in Scarborough........
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.