Free silencer
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undeadhairy
- Test Rider
- Posts: 325
- Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2013 3:10 pm
- Location: hull. east yorkshire
THE NAVY WINE TASTER
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . . .
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . . .
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder
and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his
tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth.
did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder
and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his
tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth.
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
Today's word is.....Fluctuations
(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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undeadhairy
- Test Rider
- Posts: 325
- Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2013 3:10 pm
- Location: hull. east yorkshire