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undeadhairy
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why can't women teach the alphabet. .. ..... ...It's because they always choke on the D
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for
a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky
and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for
being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Irish Prostitute


An Irish daughter had not been home for ten years.

Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I was too embarrassed. I became a prostitute."

"Ye what? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

OK, Daddy, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mummy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club." She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become." says Daddy.

Girl, crying again, "A prostitute Daddy!"

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrive on scene.

After discovering the wife had shot her husband, for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

“Hello Sarge."

“Yes."

“It looks like we have a homicide here. "

“What happened?"

“A woman has shot her husband, for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

“Have you placed her under arrest?"


"No sir. The floor is still wet. "
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Testicle Therapy" Classic !

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Stig
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good that one!
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one
hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a
photographer to get over there and
take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer
arrived he asked the sisters to sit at the table.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together,"said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up
close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit. I've got to focus," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big, toothless squeal of delight, the deaf twin shouted,

"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US? CAN I BE FIRST?"
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!!


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they
both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down.

She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a
small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a
brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to
the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get
rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about
the beard then..........."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

European Union Directive
No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase - "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 March 2015.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dentist asked man in dentists chair


" Did you have oral sex last night?"


"Man " Why is there some pubic hair between my teeth?


Dentist" No there's some shit up your nose"
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called Bomb Jovi.

Brilliant songs like “Losing my Head Over You”

“Rocket Launcher Man”

“You’re 6, You’re Beautiful, and You’re Mine”

Their last song, "Living on a Prayer Mat," almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started . . . they have no sense of humour!
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mary is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon there after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What do you call an endowed puppet? A: Well strung.

Q: What do you call an erection when listening to hymns? A: an organ boner

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: What did the O say to the Q? A: "Dude, your dick's hanging out."
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Grandpa's Story

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"
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