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nuggitt
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Joined: 22 May 2009
Posts: 5350
Location: North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2019 11:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman goes out shopping with her
husband and spots a pair of boots she
loves.

The husband says, “No chance love,
They’re way too expenive.”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling
asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip and then
lower on to her thigh.

She turns to him and says, “I don’t
think so mate. If you’re not prepared
to shoe the horse then you sure as hell
ain’t riding it!”
_________________
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
Moderator
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Joined: 22 May 2009
Posts: 5350
Location: North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Little EU Humour...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
_________________
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
Moderator
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Joined: 22 May 2009
Posts: 5350
Location: North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2019 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some girlie jokes…


The other night, my wife asked me
How many women I’d slept with. I
told her, “Only you. All the others
kept me awake all night!” The doctor
says I should be able to see again in
about ten days. The broken arm will
take about a month.

------------------------------------------------

Now here’s a wife in a million!

Wife: I’m heading to the strore, do you
Want anything?

Husband: I want a sense of meaning and
Purpose in my life… I seek fulfilment and
Completeness within my soul…I want to
Connect to god and discover the spiritual
Side of me…

Wife: Be more specific,

Beer or Vodka?

-----------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife if
I was the only one
She’d been with.

She said yes. All
The others had been
Nines and tens…
-----------------------------------------------

My wife told me to go to the doctors
And get some of those tablets that
‘help’ get an erection.
You should have seen her face
When I came back and tossed her
Some diet pills!
I’m still looking for a place to live...
--------------------------------------------------

My wife
complained that
my life revolving
around facebook
has destroyed the
way we
communicate as a
family,
so I blocked her.
---------------------------------------------------
_________________
Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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