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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 9:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so asks, “Well before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough hairy bikers say’s Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a a girl…”
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?”

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue.”
The man replies, "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.
The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.
The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say?”
There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Butch the Rooster




Sarah was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.


Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?



Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Married 50 years!


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now we have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain !"

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?" big grin
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts “ Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinking watter from theer, it’s full of hoss piss an cow shit”

The bloke says “Im from London so can you speak a bit slower and clearer please”

The farmer replies “ if - you – use – both - hands – you – wont – spill – any”!!!
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where is Confucius when we need him, eh?

If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is a comic whose mind sees things differently than most of us do.....

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

8- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

11 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

12 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

13 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
17 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

18- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

19- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

25 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

26- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

27 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

28- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

29- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A balding, white haired “experienced” man walked into a jewellery store
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is
immaterial.’ At that statement,
the jeweller went to the back room and brought out another ring in a velvet case.
'Here's a stunning ring at only £140,000’ the jeweller said.
‘It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.’


The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'


The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By cheque. I know you’ll need to verify my account
with the bank, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday morning; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old
man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’


'’I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend……”
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the door knob so the kids can't get in."
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2019 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"
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two-stroke-brit
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^^^
loved that and promptly stole it.
cheers mark
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a zoo with no dogs a shitzoo!!
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

two women in heaven

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.
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