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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2018 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Watery eyes after sex

Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your
eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The first one asked, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer."
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might
work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently, she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her
and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband
asks,

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the wine glass coming!
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2018 12:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2018 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a champagne.'

After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There
were some laughs and more champagnes.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told her friends they
were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed
with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old physician, Doctor John Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."



Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2018 9:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was sent this by a Pom (of course)

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman,
chippy, captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being
uncharacteristically quiet

And so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men.

“Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent
a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No," said Billy, “actually he plays cricket for Australia, but I was
just too embarrassed to say.
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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 12:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.

It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go.

Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."
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Stig
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PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 12:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

laugh laugh laugh laugh
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally justice has been served.
So there has been this thug called
Cal going around breaking into
people’s house’s near me for months,
but the police couldn’t catch him.
The weirdest thing about it all he
was breaking into people’s house’s
just to ruin their washing machines
by putting bricks into them and
turning them on very strange
if you ask me. Anyway, I’ve just read
he’s died, it’s never nice hearing of
people’s deaths, but look on the
bright side…


Washing machines live longer with
Cal gone.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow , stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide , while his wife
replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘F--k him'.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.A gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone,"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game.I want $100, and there's another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just 3 words”.The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly,



"Paint my house”.
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains
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Stig
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bet he was from Yorkshire laugh laugh
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