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rdgravy
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Several years ago, Australia funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Australian study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of £2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Yorkshire decided to conduct their own study. The Yorkshire researchers didn't really trust Australian or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of around £25.00 ( 3 cases of beer and a kebab), the Yorkshire study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

laugh laugh laugh thumbsup
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Final Wishes to His FAMILY

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins
to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east
end.”

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City
Centre."

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize
his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-workingman
to have accumulated all this property”.

SARAH REPLIES,PROPERTY?... THE ARSEHOLE HAD A PAPER ROUND!
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Irish Diabetic

Mick goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.


He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.


"Could you taste this for me, please?"


The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.


"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Mick.


"No, not at all," says the chemist.


"Oh good that's a relief," says Mick.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 12:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.


He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.


“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess”.


She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.


“NO!!” the husband replied “ I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.


Now close your eyes”....
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 2:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2015 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mobile
​ Phone Etiquette


After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.


She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"


Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."


Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
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Stig
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2015 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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AKA Bald headed b'stard
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rdgravy
Factory Rider
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Location: Lincolnshire
PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2015 8:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!" ninja cry baby ninja
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rdgravy
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 10:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by
> turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
> converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
> *
>
> * The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
> did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.
> *
>
> * Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
> "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 22 and I'm
> 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
> *
>
> * My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
> class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
> better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
> *
>
> * The cost of living has now gotten so bad my wife is having sex with
> me because she can't afford batteries.
> *
>
> * A man called 911 and said "I think my wife is dead". The operator
> says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is the same, but the ironing
> is piling up."
> *
>
> * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
> contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our
> garden hose only reaches to the end of driveway .
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some good one's there Dave. nod laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 3:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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roadrunner
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mr Smith went to the doctor who happened to be a lady.
She said to him during the course of her consultation "you are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Smith", to which he replied, "but why doctor?"
She replied "because I'm trying to examine you!" rolls eyes
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'Chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'Djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'Babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Then tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you wearing all this shit in Bradford?"
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
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