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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 9:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so asks, “Well before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough hairy bikers say’s Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a a girl…”
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?”

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue.”
The man replies, "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.
The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.
The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say?”
There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Butch the Rooster




Sarah was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.


Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?



Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Married 50 years!


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now we have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain !"

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
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Stig
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?" big grin
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts “ Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinking watter from theer, it’s full of hoss piss an cow shit”

The bloke says “Im from London so can you speak a bit slower and clearer please”

The farmer replies “ if - you – use – both - hands – you – wont – spill – any”!!!
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where is Confucius when we need him, eh?

If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is a comic whose mind sees things differently than most of us do.....

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

8- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

11 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

12 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

13 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
17 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

18- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

19- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

25 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

26- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

27 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

28- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

29- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A balding, white haired “experienced” man walked into a jewellery store
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is
immaterial.’ At that statement,
the jeweller went to the back room and brought out another ring in a velvet case.
'Here's a stunning ring at only £140,000’ the jeweller said.
‘It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.’


The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'


The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By cheque. I know you’ll need to verify my account
with the bank, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday morning; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old
man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’


'’I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend……”
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the door knob so the kids can't get in."
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