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roadrunner
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Location: Hull. East Yorkshire.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I liked that one John laugh laugh laugh
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Pitbull
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2015 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2015 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

laugh laugh laugh laugh Good one Pitbull. thumbsup
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rdgravy
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Posts: 409
Location: Lincolnshire
PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Found these for the older generation.
How we are perceived!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and replied, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised ... .. . "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said . . . "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple", replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder, pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?", she asked.
"Sure", replied the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back", said one child.
"No", said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong . . . They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
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rdgravy
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Location: Lincolnshire
PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE STORK

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and
she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine
months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its
nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the
teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think youre getting
your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she
said it was from a shag in Scarborough........
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2015 10:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot...
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness...
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay... you will walk again and everything;
however, your manhood was severed in the accident and we could not find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on...
"You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the
technology to build you a new one. It will work great, but it won't come
cheap!'... it's roughly $1,000 an inch!"
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want, but... I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife... If your manhood was 5 inches in length
before and you get a nine inch one now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a
nine inch one before and you decide to only invest in a five inch one now, she
might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you
make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man."
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops!"
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2015 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...


... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2015 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it
out of the salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off
for the weekend.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years
ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist:



"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.



The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''





He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''



So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"



She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" .



He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?



She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick "
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wife Vs Mistress


An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says, “I'll see you later” and walks away.



The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."


"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"


"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, no more yacht club membership, no more credit cards and large bank accounts. But... The decision is all yours."


While the wife was thinking about this, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a beautiful young woman on his arm.


"Who's that woman with Bill?" asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.


"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them.
************************************
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says. "We need a car".
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we bloody need!"
*********************************************************
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!
**********************************************************
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!
**********************************************************
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly", she said. "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what bloody hit it!
************************************************************
The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England!
*************************************************************
A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!
**************************************************************
English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Pharmacist


You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.

I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
... 1/3 ownership of the business,
... a rent-free apartment,
... a king size bed and
... $3,000 a month in living expenses."
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 8:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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rdgravy
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2015 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they
are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said-
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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